My Metabolism Is Ghosting Me

As promised in Does My New Pooch Make Me Look Fat?, we’re digging into the latest diet trends to see if any can actually help our estrogen-depleted bodies fight back against muffin tops, stubborn pounds, and the betrayal of once-reliable jeans.

So let’s talk diets. Or “protocols,” “plans,” “eating windows”- whatever we’re calling them this week. If you’re anything like me (and I suspect you are, since you’re here), you’ve Googled your way down a black hole of intermittent fasting, macros, keto, and possibly cried into a sleeve of Ritz crackers at some point.

But here’s the annoying, unsexy truth: they all come down to some form of calorie restriction. The math still matters. Yes, what you eat counts - because calories aren’t all created equal. A doughnut and a salmon filet will do very different things to your blood sugar, hormones, and energy levels - duh. But at the end of the day, if you’re taking in more than you’re burning, the scale will not budge. Or worse, it’ll mock you by going up.

It sucks. But….science.

The trick is finding the version of calorie restriction that feels the least miserable for you. The one you can actually stick with without sacrificing your soul, your Saturday night, or your favorite guilty pleasure in a cosmo glass.

So here’s the real talk on a few of the big ones - what they are, what they promise, and how they’ve actually played out for me. Spoiler alert: it’s not always pretty.

Intermittent Fasting: Not What You Eat, But When

The idea here is to shrink your eating “window” to anywhere from 12 to 17 hours - meaning you fast for the rest of the day. Some people go even longer, doing full 24-hour or multi-day fasts.  I’ll note that those fasts have shown to have medical and longevity benefits – but we’re going to stick with weigh loss here.

My experience: I’ve done and regularly do the 12-hour fast – stop eating by 9pm and not have any food the next day until 9am. Sounds easy enough, but eating includes anything that will affect blood sugar including wine.  I did find that heavy cream in coffee is a-ok or I wouldn’t have been able to do it.

I pushed it to 15 hours a few times, expecting magic. Instead, I got cranky and my kids, employees, and various service workers didn’t want to talk to me. And spoiler: no noticeable change in weight.

Macro Counting – Like Counting Calories, But Mathier

This one breaks down your food into protein, carbs, and fat - and helps you track the type of calories you’re eating. It’s big with the fitness crowd and totally makes sense if you want precision.  You end up backing into this (make the beep, beep, beep sound of the truck) when you do keto or low carb type diets anyway – so its almost hard to avoid.

My experience: It’s easier than it sounds - apps make it manageable. But I had an eye-opening moment: I was eating way more fat and way less protein than I thought. Thinking peanut butter was a high-protein and lowish fat food was delusional.  As mentioned – you’ll end up counting them in some way anyway so find a good app!

Keto: Extra Bacon, Hold the Bread

Keto is the very low-carb, high-fat approach that sends your body into ketosis - a fat-burning state that many swear by. Some do “clean” keto (lean meats, veggies), others go full “cheese and ribeye” mode. It’s very very very low-carb.

My experience: I’ll be honest - I had success with keto… pre-menopause. Now? My body is like, “cute try.” Plus my blood sugar would get so low I would get shaky, and I have caffeine for that.  Forever lifestyle? Not for me.

Protein-Forward: The New Star of Menopause Nutrition

Here’s the new sciencey stuff: Menopausal women likely need a lot more protein than we’re getting - like 1 gram per pound of ideal body weight. The idea is to build meals around protein, not squeeze it in after your bagel.

My experience: I’m working on it. I’m supposed to hit 140 grams a day. Most days I hit… 40. 60 if I’m trying.  It’s hard!!   But it makes sense. When I get enough protein, I’m less snacky and feel more stable (physically and emotionally, honestly).  The protein revolution goes beyond us Gen Xers – but it’s especially relevant for us with our muscle mass declining faster than our husband’s hairlines.

Whole 30: Clean Eating on Steroids

This 30-day reset eliminates sugar, grains, dairy, and processed foods. You eat “whole” foods: fruits, veggies, eggs, meat, seafood, and cry in the corner when everyone else is eating pizza.

My experience: I haven’t done the full Whole30, but I do try to eat more “one-ingredient” foods. It’s a great reminder that eating better doesn’t have to be complicated. Sometimes, it’s just “apple = good. Nacho cheese powder = bad.”

Mediterranean: The Doctor’s Favorite

Plant-based, healthy fats, lean proteins, and red wine. This diet gets top marks for longevity, heart health, and Instagram aesthetics.

My experience: It’s beautiful and delicious in theory…and they almost sold me with the wine.  But as a carnivore, I found it a little plant-heavy for my taste. Also, feta cheese can only take me so far.

And Then There’s Atkins…

Basically easy Keto. Still low carb, but you get a few more net carbs, and their free app does a great job tracking fiber.  And Rob Lowe has been their spokesperson since he was actually as young as he looks.

My experience: Been there, logged that. Helpful for a while - but was similar to my keto experience.  Atkins WAS easier (more carb-forgiving) but still too difficult for me to do long term.

So… WTF Works?

Honestly? None of it works if it’s making you miserable.And some of it might work in some way for some women. But if you’re a midlife human navigating hormones, exhaustion, and real life, you deserve better than a one-size-fits-all diet pushed by a 27-year-old wellness coach who still has collagen.

We’re not who we were at 25 (and 35, and 45) and that’s not a failure, it’s a fact. Accepting that our bodies won’t be the same isn’t giving up - it’s leveling up. It’s shifting the mindset from “how do I get my old body back?” to “how do I feel strong and sane right now?”  We don’t need to obsess over whether or not we can wear a bikini…we need to obsess over whether or not we have the strength to carry our groceries, pick up our grandchildren, and dance like crazy when “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” comes on.

That said – here’s what I’ve learned (so far):

• More protein. That’s legit.

• Less processed junk. Not fun, but true.  And less isn’t zero.

• Consistency beats perfection.

• And whatever you do - don’t trust a diet that starts with “you’ll barely notice you’re hungry.” (Lies.)

  
  

Got a nutrition plan that actually worked for you after menopause? Drop it in the comments or email me. Let’s figure this out together - because none of us have time to waste on trends that don’t work for our hormones, our sanity, or our taste buds.